The Four Agreements: summary and an honest review

The idea behind the agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz presents the book as Toltec wisdom from his family's tradition in Mexico. His starting point: from childhood we are trained, or "domesticated", by family, school and culture into a set of agreements about who we are and how the world works. Most were made out of fear. An inner Judge enforces them and an inner Victim suffers the punishment, over and over. The way out is to make new agreements and keep them.

The four, one by one

1. Be impeccable with your word

Speak with integrity, say only what you mean, and do not use words against yourself or others, including gossip and self-criticism. Ruiz treats the word as the most powerful tool you have: it can create a "spell" of belief in someone, good or bad.

In practice: notice gossip and stop adding to it; catch the things you say about yourself that you would never say to a friend.

2. Don't take anything personally

What other people say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own agreements. Even a direct insult says more about the speaker than about you. Equally, praise is not proof of your worth.

In practice: when someone is rude, ask what is going on for them before deciding what it means about you. Of the four, it is the one most often quoted.

3. Don't make assumptions

We fill gaps with stories, usually the worst ones, and then react to the stories as if they were facts. The fix is plain: ask questions, and say what you want clearly.

In practice: when a message goes unanswered, ask rather than assume. Say what you need instead of expecting people to guess.

4. Always do your best

Your best changes from day to day; tired or sick, it is less. Do your best anyway, and you leave nothing for the inner Judge to punish. This agreement is what makes the other three possible, because you will break them, often.

The fifth agreement

In a 2010 follow-up, The Fifth Agreement, written with his son don Jose Ruiz, he adds: be sceptical, but learn to listen. Do not believe everything you hear, including what you tell yourself, but listen for the intent behind people's words.

Yes, but

• "Toltec wisdom." The Toltecs were a historical people of central Mexico, and the book's teachings are Ruiz's own system presented in that framing. Read it as one man's philosophy rather than as recovered ancient knowledge.
• "Don't take anything personally" has limits. It is freeing with strangers and critics. It is bad advice if it stops you hearing honest feedback, or if it is used to excuse someone's real harm to you.
• It is a starting point. The book is short and repetitive by design. It gives you rules, not much about how to keep them when life is hard. Pair it with a practice: the Stoics cover the same ground with more depth.

The audiobook

Peter Coyote reads it in about two and a half hours, and it is in the collection this site is built from. Neither of the two Libby catalogues we check held it, so this is one to buy or borrow in print. At A$11.82 on Audible Australia, buying it outright is cheaper than spending a A$16.45 credit.

Common questions